It's Still Personal

This is a follow-up to my previous blog post on bullying, "It's Personal"
 which you may wish to read before proceeding if you have not previously done so. 

     What happens when you are told by psychological bullies on a daily basis in your formative years that you are fat, ugly, undesirable and indeed unlovable?  At the start you disbelieve it rather vehemently. Quite quickly after the initial reaction, you begin to question the information and look for evidence as to determine whether it is or is not true. Our brains are wired, to look for patterns and so it accepts confirming more readily than disconfirming data. Next, a confirming belief is formed which is reinforced every day when you hear again that you are fat... ugly..., etc. The belief deepens and becomes more generalized into a self-image. The self-image is accepted by the unconscious brain which then drives behavior so that the belief becomes reality. This is manifest in the body as you gain more and more weight which renders you to many as more and more ugly... Further reinforcement occurs with every suggestion for weight loss and every rejection; large, small, real or imagined; creating a cycle of behavior both conscious and unconscious until you no longer simply believe, but rather know with certainty that you are indeed fat and ugly which makes you undesirable and therefore unlovable. This is the effect of relentless ridicule and believe me when I tell you: It's personal.
     It should be noted that I was never a skinny girl, however I was not fat either.  In my early teen years, I was not particularly curvy, but rather more muscular. I was indeed quite strong and though not involved in organized sports, I could play physically for hours in football, basketball, running bases, etc. When I look back at pictures of myself during the time when I received the brunt of ridicule, I did not have a fat body, but a solid one. I certainly felt fat between my ears though,  and as I have stated previously: As you think, so you become.
     My adolescence is documented in detail in multiple journals, but I need not consult them when it comes to this issue.  I remember wanting one thing during that time: a boyfriend. It's what the other girls around me had and they seemed to be having so much fun (when they weren't over reacting, falling apart, fighting, breaking up, reconciling, etc.) and they were getting kissed and touched all the time. I tended to like the smart, artistic type and went from crush to crush like every other girl only my affections without fail went unreciprocated. Every rejection was internalized - swallowed both literally and figuratively - and I began gaining weight. The weight became the reason for all things negative in my life. Countless times you can find a litany of self-loathing emotion followed by the solution, "I need to lose __ pounds. Or else!" or some such permutation.  At first it was was 10 pounds in junior high school and then it crept up slowly over the years until when I was at the end of high school it became 30 or 40 pounds.
    The more rejection I perceived, the more weight I gained. The more weight I gained, the more ugly and less desirable I felt. What I understand now that I did  not back then was that the feelings of self-loathing I kept on the inside were played out through my behavior in ways that perpetuated more rejection.  How?  By ignoring any signals that a person of the opposite sex might like me, or by sabotaging my own chances by acting mean or tough or even worse-cutting them down before they could cut me down.  On a conscious level, my weight was the barrier between me and what I wanted: to be loved.  On an unconscious level it was a shield and armor, protecting me from even risking rejection. So, there were no dates and no boyfriends.  I attended dances with male friends and had fun, and was fun to be around. I used my sarcasm, wit and clowning around to be sure that everyone was laughing because if they are laughing with me, they weren't laughing at me!
     The trend continued after graduation, this time out in the work force and socially out in the bar scene: I would be attracted to someone, they would not return the attraction and I would feel rejected. You guessed it - I gained more weight, reinforced the self-loathing which proved the programming in my mind.  I would look at myself in the mirror and say the most hateful things, sometimes out loud. I took over the role of bully and turned it onto myself in spades.  I was harder on me than any bully ever was!
     When I was twenty-one, a man walked into work and he was kind of cute. After about 10 months of working together, we were transferred together. A new environment was rather conducive to feelings of connection.  We started dating secretly.  One night we were getting ready to leave work and go out together when the body-building manager asked my new boyfriend to go out with the guys. He said he couldn't because he had made a promise to me. What the other guy did not know was that I was standing off to the side out of his line of view when he said, "Oh man, you don't have to go out with her. Tell her I'm making you work late."  I felt nauseous at such disdain and wished I could disappear. What an awful position my date was put into! But he took it in stride, glanced over and winked at me before saying, "No. I want to go out with Lori. I'll catch you guys another time."  I straightened up, smiled, walked into the other guy's view and said, "Thanks!" to my beau. I finally had a boyfriend! Looking back now it could be said that simply having a boyfriend was more important to me that who he was or what the relationship was like.  It felt good and it occurred to me that since it took so long for someone to actually want me, I better hold on. Even though I had some doubts, I believed that good communication could fix anything and we were married less than a year later.  
     Just before we got married I went on one of those medically supervised liquid diets and lost 40 pounds in a month. I was still a bit overweight with 20 pounds to go, but felt much better about myself. Although there was physical intimacy beforehand, I also thought being thinner would help out in that department too, once we were married and unrestricted. I was very wrong. In fact, nothing could have been further from the truth. The systematic rejection began almost immediately and by the eighth month of marriage my new husband had withdrawn every form of physical contact and affection from me. This became the greatest and by far the most painful and psychologically damaging rejection of my life. I shut down emotionally and felt trapped. By the end of my third year of marriage I had not only regained the 40 pounds I had lost, but added another sixty.  Then we moved to our new house out in the mountains, 75 miles away from everything I knew.  Depression set in quite severely and another 15 pounds came along with it.  A year later the self-hatred became unbearable. I knew something had to change or I was going to die so I started to attend Overeaters Anonymous, which started me losing weight (more than 50 pounds) and gaining emotional strength.  I started working on me for real and found a therapist for both me and my husband.  

Important note: It needs to be stated at this point that my husband was a good man. He had lots of wonderful qualities. He was honest, loyal, trustworthy and a wonderful provider. He loved me and saw wonderful things in me. He sent me to college and allowed  me to achieve my bachelor's degree. There were many good things about my life with him. I simply wanted more than a roommate. (Added after publishing)

    In therapy, along with job stress, my husband blamed (are you ready?) my WEIGHT for his lack of interest. This, even though 1) he started dating me when I was heavy 2) he payed no more attention to me after I lost weight than before and 3) he pulled his affections from me before I regained weight.  My mind exploded as I began to process what he said and all of the insults, jeering and tawdry song lyrics flooded back into my mind and confirmed, this time beyond doubt, that those boys from my childhood were right all along!  Fat, ugly, undesirable and unlovable - that's me!  After all, if my own husband rejected me, I truly was nothing. I felt that way for years in therapy as I tried to face my demons and save my marriage in which I remained through another move, this time 800 miles, and a dozen more years before circumstances arose to cause me to reevaluate myself, my marriage and my life.
     In the mid 1990's I got my first computer with a modem which through AOL got me connected to people from all over the country and beyond.  I met a man in a chat room one night and quickly found myself baring my soul to him both online and on the phone too. I knew pretty early on that I was having an emotional affair with this man and I knew it was wrong.  On the other hand he was filling a need in me that husband refused. He payed attention to me and without seeing me, desired me.  In our own way we fell in love, at least as in love as you can be with someone you've never actually met.  After over a year of corresponding and telephone conversations the opportunity arose for us to meet at an airport. This was back in the days when you could meet someone at a gate.  We spent all of 45 minutes together, but it was a life-changing experience for me because he did not reject me. Shortly after we met, the guilt set in for both of us and we chose to stop communicating, but I walked away with a gift: That man wanted me like crazy and he made me believe it... and it was personal!
    Once I believed that one man wanted me,  I had to begin to face the things I believed about myself which held me back and kept me in my dead-end marriage. As that emotional affair was coming to an end another one was growing. He too was 1000 miles away  and this time when the opportunity arose, I was certain when I met such an intelligent, successful, beautiful man I was sure to be rejected.  Sometimes, it's wonderful to be wrong. Again I was confronted with a man whose desire matched my own... and this meeting did not occur at an airport, but a hotel.  When I got home, I began planning my divorce. After all, the belief that I was not desirable was shown to be false not once, but twice. The data was confirmed and I had to get free, not to be with the man who opened the door, but to open myself up to possibilities where I lived.  And so I did.
     Not long after my divorce I met a man who was a lot younger and a lot more open than I had ever been. For seven years he helped challenge a lot of my false beliefs. He made it understood that I could be desired at any weight because sexiness lived more between my ears than in the shape of my body. I learned too that I was sexy because I was sexual. Those were major lessons to be learned and I have kept them with me to this day. Some men, who are not shallow, really do see beyond the package and treasure what lies within.
     So now I know that I am lovable because of qualities in my character despite what my outward appearance may be at any given time. I know that I have good skills to bring to a relationship; ones that nurture and deepen to help it last. I have always had  wonderful friends in my life whether or not I am in a relationship and I live a small but wonderful life. All of these experiences and many others have worked together to make me who I am today. I believe I am a good, loving and compassionate person, that I work hard and play hard.  I do not let my physical weight stop me from any experience. I go places and do things. I even get on stage with an improvisation class, in front of an audience. I am smart, funny and open. Most importantly, I think I'm a good friend and if that is true, then my life is a success. I choose happiness!  I choose it every day.
 
Afterward:
     I can still become attracted to someone who is not interested.  That's just part of life. No one is liked by everyone! Sometimes, I admit, those old ugly feelings of rejection come up and I swallow them down and my weight still fluctuates in response. I lose weight when I am with someone and gain it when I am not. I hate it, and often I hate me for it. I remain my own worst enemy. That's the residual affect of the bullying that occurred 40 years ago. I don't blame or hold animosity towards the bullies. My own psychology did and continues to do more damage than they did. It can't get more personal than that.
    At present, there is another bully in my life, and that is society itself. After all, it is the overweight population that receives the most open ridicule nowadays. We are fair game! It's everywhere from the playground to the White House. Skinny is what everyone is told and programmed to desire. Boys in particular are targeted to believe this.  Just look at the marketing we are bombarded with: It has reared generations of shallow men. In fact, I have several male friends who talk in my presence about what is hot to them and what is not. I never fit the description and they talk as though I am not even there. Sometimes those old feelings come back and I feel less than human as I listen. I would like to rid myself of this leftover remnant though I am unsure what psychological work I need to do to accomplish it. Perhaps writing these very words is part of the process. If I do achieve complete freedom from  my past, will I also be free of the behaviors that keep me fat? Even if the weight remains I long to be free of those feelings and the biggest bully of all... the really personal one... the one within myself... 
     All in all, I can't complain.  In fact people who know me would tell you that I am one of the most well adjusted people around. I am a critically-thinking realist with rational perspective on myself, others and the world.  Above all, I am grateful for everything and every experience I have had - bad, good or indifferent.  No one escapes the fact that we all carry emotional baggage from our past.  It's personal! So what?  Life is good!